Mikem004's Thoughts

Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated

Sat, 23 Oct 2004 14:29:04 GMT

Well, I never remember to update this thing so here's a series of quick facts:

I turned 22 on the 9th
I'm doing well in school
Haven't been on any more bad dates
My car is costing me $400 today
I saw The Grudge last night
The Dot Org is now www.thedotorg.org

hmm. That should cover it. If you need to know more or want to talk, just e-mail or instant message me, my aim name is notmikem004

The Mega Update 9000

Sat, 11 Sep 2004 20:36:16 GMT

Here's what's been happening lately...

LAST FRIDAY

Mike and the Panic Attack

Not my panic attack mind you, but this is another girl story. In the same weekend. Different girl though.

So after class on Friday, reeking of corpse, I was supposed to meet up with a girl to hang out over on Temple's main campus. So I hope the shuttle over and meet her outside her apartment building. She comes out, she's looking really cute and I suggest we go get something to eat.

We wander over to Temple's eatery (Temple University, in case you were wondering) and she starts acting weird. She randomly starts having a panic attack in the middle of this place. So we go and sit down and she's having trouble talking to me and it is generally pretty weird. I just kind of sit there till she relaxes. Eventually she does and I suggest we go to somewhere she'd be more comfortable, so we go back to her place.

SCORE!

Just kidding. Her roommates are there and a few of her friends show up. This happened Friday, but I didn't have the friend disaster, I had the girl disaster. So we're all sitting around talking, he friends are all right I guess, but they're all gossiping about people I don't know or care to know.

I'm stuck there till the train comes a little later, so I'm making the best of it. I'm sitting with this girl on the couch and everything is hunky dory. Her friends go to do something and we're just sitting there, and she looks a little distressed again. What is the major malfunction here? I'm just sitting here and this girl is about to wig out.

Suddenly her phone rings, she goes and answers it, comes back, sits down, and bursts into tears. WHOA! Unprovoked crying fit. I asked if anyone died, but no, and eventually I ask if I should go, and she says yes.

Now she has to walk me out because of the wacky sign in process of her building and we're walking down the hallway and she's crying hysterically, I still don't know why, people are looking at us, and, well, I'm starting to feel pretty uncomfortable.

We get down to the lobby and she calms down a little, I ask her what's wrong and she tells me. Apparently she felt she was a disappointment to me and that she wasted my time. And that I made her really nervous. Let me tell you right now, if you know me in person, there's no way I'm making you nervous in any way, I'm about as intimidating as a lawn gnome. I guess for some reason, people that don't know me find me scary. Oooh.

But seriously, I was sitting there and just having a decent time for the evening and this girl is freaking out the whole time. She then starts crying hysterically in the middle of the lobby of the building! People crowd around to see what's up, she's crying, I'm standing there with a concerned look. People must think I just dumped her or something! I just met this girl! I wanted to tell the people that I was a Jehovah's Witness and that she finally found Jesus, and he beat the shit out of her. Or something.

Needless to say, I don't know which day was worse, Friday or Saturday, because I had two horrible experiences in a row. What the hell is wrong this weekend? I think I'm going to just hide in my apartment on Sunday and wait things out.

Ugh. What a weekend.

LAST SATURDAY

Let me preface my tale by saying that I've been talking to a girl on and off for the past few weeks and we decided to meet on South Street tonight in Philadelphia. The thug and yuppie mecca of Philadelphia, filled with shops, boutiques, bars, and a certain place called Condom Kingdom. They sell, none other than, condoms. And novelty sex things that I don't care to go into but I'm sure you get the idea.

We set to meet at a little before ten and so I parked in my usual free parking area at one end. So I call her to meet and she said that her friends were slowing her down and that she'd be there soon. But she didn't know where she'd be parking. So I was standing there not knowing where to go and waiting for her to tell me. But let me back this up for a moment..

Friends?

Nowhere in our planning was there any mention that she'd have an entourage that I'd have to deal with as well. Not one, but TWO friends were with her. Friends that I didn't care to meet or feel like dealing with.

I wait ten minutes and call her back. She still doesn't know where she's going to park. Ok, I wait another few minutes, and call to see if she figured it out. She told me that she's on 2nd and Lombard, and that her friends and her decided to get a bite to eat.

What the hell is happening here?

I get there and they're ordering. I didn't plan on getting food down there so I didn't bring money or hunger. So I sat down and they got their food and were talking away. I specifically went out here to meet her and get to know her in person a bit better, but she's bullshitting away with her friends and I'm, on the whole, feeling rather alienated.

Time goes on and I make the occasionaly quip about what they are talking about to a generally cold response. The girl I'm there to see is pretty much ignoring me and having fun with her friends. I asked myself why did I bother going down here. Time goes on, well, about ten minutes. This could also be "Mike's Guide to a Twenty Minute Date"

One of her friends than says, "You know, after this I think I'd like to go to Condom Kingdom" and I reply with, "Don't you think it's a little late for that?" OBVIOUSLY referring to the time. It was late, it's probably closed, but ok, I just say it's a little late. Everyone stops eating and looks at me. The girl I was there to see then says, "I can't belive you just said that"

Said what? It's getting late. Whoopty Doo.

The other friend then chimes in and says, "You don't know her situation, who the hell are you to say that." Say that's it la-- oh my god! This girl is pregnant! (The friend of the girl I am there to see. Read for understanding, Wang)

What are the odds that I woudl say a rather vague thing, to a girl I didn't know about a place that sold condoms that just HAPPENED to be pregnant! Did I walk into an episode of Seinfeld? Was Candid Camera going to come out and let me know I was had?

No, they weren't. The girl I was there to see then said, "You've really offended my friend, I think you'd better go." So I stood up, said my goodbyes, and left.

On the way back to the car I got to thinking, what exactly WAS her situation? Was she a surrogate mother? Was she raped? I think most people would have taken that rather light heartedly. Especially from me since I'm so lovable ... *cough*... but yes.

I left. I'm here now telling my story, and what the fuck. Does anyone have any input? I think it's safe to assume I'll never, ever, ever talk to this girl again. But seriously, what are the odds.

Condom Kinddom + It's Late Comment + Girl I Don't Know That's Pregnant =

Well, it equaled the little hairs on the back of my neck not only standing up, but leaving the country and changing their names.

Wow. Beat that.

YESTERDAY

Well, I was back in the game again tonight, and was supposed to meet a girl from school to go with her to a thing that the class was putting on at a bar called Goosebumps downtown.

I wasn't really into going that night, but I called the girl and she made it sound like a good time, so I got all spiffied up and headed out to meet her. While driving down Kelly Drive my battery gauge started fluctuating to both extremes

"This is new," I thought as I went farther downtown. I was then driving towards where she lived when all of the lights in my car began to dim. Well, it seems that this can't be too good. I then tried to make a mad dash back home after calling her to tell her what was happening (she went on without me... fooey).

I got about three blocks away when the car died in the middle of the intersection. I pushed the car off to the side of the road after getting some seriously dirty looks and then called 911 because I wouldn't know who else to call.

"Hello, 911?"
"Hi, yeah, I need a towtruck"
"Ok, what do you want me to do about it?"
"Uh. That's a uh... good... question"
*click*

WHAT! What the hell! That was the most grizzled 911 operator of all time. Let's try this again

"Hello, 911"
"Oh my God! My car just died and I don't know what to do and I think I'm having a panic attack and a homeless guy just licked my shoe!"
"What?"
"I need a towtcuck"
"Ok, let me connect you"

You see, the trick is to seem VERY alarmed. Then you get what you want.I call the tow truck company and they tell me it'll be about two hours before they can come rescue me. Well that's just lovely.

So here I am, standing on the corner of 10th and Vine downtown on the cusp of some sketchy area for two hours with a dead car. I made a few phone calls and looked bored. Then the creatures of the night came by.

First was a homeless guy. He talked to me for fifteen minutes about his situation, his life story, and where he was trying to stay, and how he would pay for it. I was about to ask him for a dollar when I ask what homeless rehabilitation program he's trying to get into... and he does... and I call him out on it. That place doesn't exist, I tell him, and he comes clean. He just wants the money for a forty so he can get some sleep. I asked why he didn't just say that and he didn't want to seem rude. Needless to say I gave him $2. I can't argue with that.

Flash forward about 15 minutes and an extra from the cast of Hair comes sauntering up. We're talking he's so homosexual, I felt like the icon of masculinity in his presence. He comes up and asks me why I'm standing on the corner. I tell him that my car is broken down and he goes and takes a close look at it. Then he offers to blow me in the nearby parking lot if that'll make me feel better.

Do gay people do that? Wow.

Ok, so finally the tow truck comes and I make my daring escape to West Philadelphia. I finally get home, and the girl I was supposed to meet calls me. She said she missed me tonight. That's cool. Hopefully we'll have a re-do, hehe.

The Lesson? Well, I really don't know. Hanging out with the girl would have been great, but I think the lesson is to rely more on public transportation and.. uh.. fuck. There wasn't a lesson, I just missed out.

TODAY

I got my car back and I'm lighter $200. Then I went to Costco and spent $270 on food and more scrubs. Whew.

Holy lack of entries

Sun, 29 Aug 2004 17:31:31 GMT

Yeah, I forgot I had one of these. Quick rundown:

Med school started
I look good in scrubs

Uhm. Yeah that's about it.

Oh yeah, this thing

Mon, 16 Aug 2004 04:16:04 GMT

I was with my relative for the better part of a week. I can only take them in liberal doses so I think I'm good till Thanksgiving. I start Med School next wednesday, I better go buy a notebook. That is all.

Reminscing

Fri, 30 Jul 2004 05:46:34 GMT

I've seen the horror. Horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that, but you have no right to judge me . It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face, and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and mortal terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies t o be feared. They are truly enemies.

I remember when I was with Special Forces--it seems a thousand centuries ago--we went into a camp to inoculate it. The children. We left the camp after we had inoculated the children for polio, and this old man came running after us, and he was crying. He couldn't see. We went there, and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile--a pile of little arms. And I remember...I...I...I cried, I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out, I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it, I never want to forget. And then I realized--like I was shot...like I was shot with a diamond...a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought, "My God, the genius of that, the genius, the will to do that."

Hello again

Fri, 30 Jul 2004 00:34:40 GMT

Well the Dot Org store is up and running thanks to the help of Flanagan click here and it is pretty great. We're workin on getting black merchandise but it's an uphill battle. Other than that, nothing much as been going on. I'm watching Apocalypse Now.. now.. awesome movie.

Early Sunday Morning

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 07:43:04 GMT

Well, Flanagan and I spent the majority of this evening trying to find something to do. We went to Cracker Barrel, then watched a shitload of movies and ended up going for tacos. I feel that saturday is the wasted day of the weekend. I mean, FRIDAY! Everyone looks forward to friday... new movies, go out drinking, parties, freedom, etc. Saturdays... they're usually to recover from Friday or something along those lines. I generally just sit around on Saturdays.. just seems like the thing to do. Ah well. I hope everyone ELSE had a fun saturday.

It's Friday

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 19:45:21 GMT

Last night Black Jesse got Curtis and I into an early screening of Harold and Kumar go to White Castle (for free!) and it turned out to be a hilarious movie. The similarities to it and the script that I am shopping around stopped just past the premise (two guys in NJ looking for food) so that is pretty good. I may have to change the food to yoyos and the location to British Columbia, but whatever works. Shawn and I are going to see The Bourne Supremacy tonight and probably fuck around playing video games all night afterwards. It's hard to tell if I want a job or just want to wait till summer ends because doing fuck all whenever I want is a pretty sweet deal, and I'm not going to have this opportunity EVER again. Ah well. Who wants to make out?

Thursday Morning Random Update

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 12:41:50 GMT

Well, yesterday was kind of boring. Nothing too exciting. I went to see Anchorman with Curtis, Flan, and Jordan; it was pretty fun. The anchorman melee scene was hilarious. Afterwards I got some Burger King, felt like death, and went to bed at 11. Quite strange if I do say so myself, but perhaps I'll finally get on a good sleeping schedule. Yep. Whee.

What did I do today?

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 05:01:26 GMT

I went to see.. uh.. I, Robot. It was pretty good. Than Shawn came over and played Metroid while I sat around on the computer. Curtis is crashing here because he needs a place to stay while he does some freelance work. Then we played this movie trivia game I have. Yep. I'm not good at this journal thing, I don't think anyone cares what I do on a day-to-day basis.

Mike Has a Live Journal!

Sun, 18 Jul 2004 02:54:17 GMT

Yes, it's come to this. Shameless self-promotion is key.

Are you ready?

Mikem and Blodeox VS. Leagalized Gambling

Sun, 18 Jul 2004 01:10:48 GMT

Public Service Announcement: Just for the record, this story was supposed to be Mikem, Antepolleo, and Blodeox VS. Legalized Gambling but the powers that be made it so Antepolleo's car would not function properly to deliver him safely. Anyway, on with the show....

This story begins not in the slums, highrises, and call girls of Atlantic City, but in a basement in Manville, NJ. Alright, the story begins a week before that in my apartment in Philadelphia. Antepolleo and I decided that we needed money, so we decided to go gambling because obviously we're the luckiest people in the world. Right?

Last friday's trip was cancelled because Antepolleo's alternator decided to call it quits in his Saturn (psht) and so the trip was postponed a week. To tonight actually. Flash back a little, you don't get all the goods yet. I decided on Sunday I was going to go to my parent's house to do my laundry, since it would be free and they were on vacation.

While almost home my car decides to overheat itself, so here I am, pulled over in this place called "Pennypack Village" somewhere outside of Hopewell, NJ. This place looks like it fell out of 1870 and landed square in the middle of one of most industrialized states in the country. There were all of these old timey stores, a band playing, an old fashioned restaurant, the whole works. Naturally they didn't have any engine coolant, the horseless carriage wasn't invented quite yet.... and that is actually what they told me. Luckily they pointed me in the direction of a "place where food is kept fresh, without smoking and dehydration," the Quick Check down the street. Now, this makes me question, what sort of cracked out people wouldn't break character for two minutes to tell a guy who's car was billowing smoke where he could buy a bottle of water and some engine coolant. Well, I'd say they're the best damn character actors ever. After a rescue by Blodeox I finally get home, act like a fool, and the next day bring my car in for service.

Now, if you've been following in the forums, I was stranded in NJ for the better part of a week and was eventually able to come back today, well, last night (Friday) and get ready for this trip. Antepolleo calls and tells me he's on his way, then he calls me a half hour later and tells me he has a flat and is going home instead. Lovely. Blodeox and I decide that we waited a week already, I've been cooped up all week at my parent's house, so we hop in the Mikemobile and high tail it for the legalized gambling mecca of the east coast: Atlantic City.

I suppose that was enough back story to choke a yak, so here's the meat of things. We get there in a little over an hour and park at the Caesar's. We get inside and... wow... what now? We wander around for awhile having no idea what to do, or even where to get change. We found out after awhile that you just feed the machine dollar bills and it takes them away from you because you can't possibly win. Super.

Blodeox lost $30 and I lost $50, but I would say we learned a valuable lesson. What lesson is that you ask? That's we're fucking losers. With a capital "L" ... there was a woman sitting next to me that was getting four of a kind, and was up $200 on her machine, while I sat there dwindling away a measly $20 while I kept getting a pair below a jack, not even high enough to break ever. But I did have time to think up a handy casino checklist for the next time you go based on the sorts of people I saw inside. It was my first time gambling, and probably my last until I get some sort of steady source of disposable income, so here goes:

1. The Jilted Divorcee. This is a woman in her mid to late forties, playing the slots with a sad, defeated look in her eye, a strangely colored drink in one hand, and a pile of quarters in the other. Be aware for the dupe, she may be The Bored Housewife in disguise
2. The Fat Guy. This is another easy one, just look for someone sweating and wearing sweat pants with a dress shirt that, lucky for us, has a high tensile strength. Beware if he sits down at your table, he will beat you.
3. The Cheap Slut. In the strange world of the casino, this girl may be hanging off of anyone from the old rich guy, the fat guy, or even the Asian tourist. She smells money, and also smells the loser. Hence why we didn't get laid tonight.
4. The Rich Guy. He's usually old, and is either smoking a cigar, drinking a golden colored liquid, or doing both. He's also probably play Bacharach which if you're reading this, you can't afford to play.
5. The Asian Tourist. He's Asian, he's got money flowing from every part of his body, his wife is gorgeous, and he can't speak english.
6. The Confused Young Guy. Blodeox and myself. We keep the casinos fully funded because we may only lose $30 to $50 per visit, but we are only have one drink for free and there are shitloads of us.
7. The Random Hottie. Yes, wandering around in the random hottie. They don't play anything, they might be watching their boyfriend play, and no, they don't want anything to do with you.
8. The Bored Housewife. She was dragged here on vacation by her husand so she just plays the slots and looks bored. She is different from The Jilted Divorcee because she's only allowed to play nickle slots and not for very long.
9. Vacationers. This is the rest of the people. They're in town for a show, for a weekend, or for a quick fuck from a woman of ill repute. They play light, they drink heavy, and they're usually in your way when you're trying to walk around.
10. The Senior Citizen's Tour Group! You know who they are. They're at the quarter slots and look like they're about to die

Now, with this list in hand I think you guys are ready to hit the casinos and play a really fun game: Casino Patron Bingo

My advice is to print it out, cut out the boxes, and customize your own game, it's only fair.

So what have we learned?
1. There are only ten types of people in casinos
2. I fucking suck at gambling and feel like a loser
3. Cars are out to get us
4. Nothing happens like in the movies

Take all of this information as you will. I had fun regardless, but I'm $50 poorer for it. Thanks for reading and enjoy the game!

Edit: It has come to my attention that it is, in fact, called "baccarat" ... obviously since I am too poor to play said game, it is of no consequence to me what it is actually called. Please stop complaining.

Are you ready?

Mikem’s Guide to Successful Interweb Forum Posting

Sun, 18 Jul 2004 01:09:28 GMT

Well, it certainly seems like we have an angry bunch of people posting here the other six days of the week. That’s fine with me if it’s fine with the rest of you, but instead of bitching about women, which is what I’m sure you were all expecting, I’m going to help you become a better poster overall.

How is this you ask? Well…

You need a hook! You clicked “read more” didn’t you? And here you are. HAHAHAHAHAHA you shee – oh I’m sorry; I guess I should really tell you how to do it, eh?

Well you actually do need a hook. This, of course, is in regards to starting your own threads, not replying to one, we’ll get to that later. You need something that makes the person interested in what you have to say and make them want to read the entirety of the post. A good hook is usually the title of the thread; it has to make them want to click and take a look at what could be inside. Remember, though, it’s not fair to use a misleading title - you may get in trouble. Once you’ve got them into your thread with a bang, make them go “holy crap” and want to know more about it. The best hook I ever saw was, “so I was on fire today and…” after that I had to read the entirety of their story.

I can hear you now, “but Mike, what does a good story consist of?” Well let’s look at the fundamentals of all stories: characters, plot, conflict, resolution, and moral. Now the character is probably going to be you and some one else. The plot is whatever zany misadventure you have gotten yourself into. If you’re like me, this should really be no problem whatsoever; leaving the house is usually enough. The conflict is what happens during your zany misadventure that is both unexpected and thought provoking. The resolution is what you did, because you obviously did something - you didn't end up dead. Finally, the moral is what you learned and what you really had to think about.

The moral is where the rest of the members of the forum come into play, it’s their chance to respond to what you’ve said and get things in motion. If you just tell a story, unless it’s really funny, won’t get much of a response, it’s just a story after all. Your moral should be what changed about you, if anything, and ask what experiences in peoples’ lives were similar and what they learned from them. Let’s have a good example because this guide is rather cut and dry so we need some stupidity…

“False Insight and Drugs: A Study in Annoyance”

I don't know about the rest of you, but I know a few people that are into psychoactive substances... and these people think they are the most thoughtful and deep people in the world... and other people flock to them for just that reason. They're very popular; they "bond" with other people by getting them high. They wax philosophical on everything from the grass growing to the world trade organization.

But did you ever stop to listen to them?

They're IDIOTS

They may talk about semi complex topics from time to time but the words that spill forth from their mouths is complete and utter bullshit, half of the time it makes no sense and is probably the over-analysis of something they saw on Dateline Tuesday while high.

They take the drugs for "self searching" and to find out "who they are" ... but do they realize that taking drugs alters who you are and the way you think? That's the point of drugs, to turn you into a different person. A person high off their ass on pot will come out with the stupidest things, but if you're also high, you say "wow man, I never thought of it that way" ... because any person in their right mind wouldn't think it was insightful. That's why these people are thought to be so deep while others, they get them high and THEN talk to them. After carefully observing one guy for awhile, whom I used to get high with a lot, I found that the stuff that spills out of his mouth is tantamount to what spills into my toilet.

Ever talk to someone one ecstasy? The world is a perfect place, everyone is beautiful, and everything is just great. Ever talk to someone coming down off of ecstasy? Watch they don't kill themselves when they figure out what the real deal is.

I don't even feel like getting into other drugs, but I think crackheads have the firmest grasp on reality, they just want more crack because their lives suck without it. I mean, if you want to get really high and then talk about how the universe has it out for people with cleft lips, that's your business, but don't subject people that aren't high to it, they can see right through you.

In fact, I want those of you that do drugs, to go and do your particular drug, really think about this thread, and why hotdogs are the color they are, and post in here about it.

How many people do you know have this false insight into the universe while high? Does it bug you?

--

So there you have it. We have a silly story rife with examples from the outside world about the topic at hand. Then, at the closer, I ask people for their own experiences with people of that caliber. That’s how you draw them in, you gave up something personal to them and now they’re more apt to share things with you, and post in your thread. I know it’s not easy, and not everyone will fully understand, but if one out of fifty does, it’s going to be a very fun forum.

As for replying, pretty much anything goes in that department. Pictures, making fun of their sorrow, relating a story of your own, or even masturbating to pictures of sea otters, it’s really up to you. The occasional on topic post is a requirement for all forums, but then again, from what I’ve seen in most places, people just post for posting’s sake. That’s ok too because it can’t be all on-topic and serious all the time, that would be boring. So let’s that a look at the ratio of people here:

Anecdote Posters: 1/50
On-Topic Posters Only: 11/50
75% On-Topic Posters: 10/50
50% On-Topic Posters: 25/50  key demographic
25% On-Topic Posters: 1/50  Major comic relief
0% On-Topic Posters: 2/50  Usually banned after their game wears thin or they grow out of it

So that’s the breakdown of every 50 posters on a given forum. Sometimes the ratio numbers skew a little, but it’s more or less how things work. On a site starting out such as this, the ratios are very skewed but once things really start to flesh out, it will become more apparent.

I hope this guide has helped you all, and happy posting. Now go to Mikem004 Dot Org (www.mikem004.org) and show off your newfound skills

Are you ready?

Suspiria: What the hell was that?

Sun, 18 Jul 2004 01:06:47 GMT

My parents and sister came to visit a few weeks ago and my dad gave me Suspiria to watch, what is called by entertainment weekly, "the scariest movie of all time." I don't know about it begin the scariest but it is one of the weirdest...

The characters of kind of cheesy, there is a lackluster plot, but there are a number amazing qualities I will get into momentarily.

As for the plot, an American girl, Suzy Banyon (Jessica Harper!) travels to Europe to study dance at one of the most prestigious dance academies in the world, and a number of weird things begin to happen as she eventually finds out that the academy is home to a coven of witches. That's all well and good, but I can't figure out the motivation behind any character. At all. Everyone just goes on doing things for no apparent reason.

The story starts off with her arriving at the airport and going out to catch a cab in the pouring rain and then going over to the academy where a hysteric girl comes running out the front door and into the night, she buzzes to be let in but the person on the other end (who later turns out to be Sarah) decides not to let her in so she gets back into the cab and goes to parts unknown for the rest of the night. As Suzy goes off the girl that fled the academy is seen running through the woods with marathon runner grace, in a thunderstorm, in the middle of the night.

Cut over to some girl's house that we don't know and the girl running through the woods going completely bananas but not wanting to explain it. She locks herself in the bathroom to dry off and then cue suspenseful music. For 5 minutes. After a time some sort of creature breaks its hand through the glass and mashes her face into the other pane and eventually breaks her through and proceeds to stab her. 30 times. In the heart. With her screaming every single time. In fact, she is stabbed so inefficiently that there is a close up of her heart completely exposed and that gets stabbed too, and bleeds. Then a noose is tied around her neck and she falls through a stained glass skylight, and as her friend is running around screaming for help she sees this happening and is impaled with falling glass. Eek!

The next day Suzy arrives at the academy, meets some of the creepy professors that exude the Prussian stereotype. She meets the only other attractive girl in the movie and ends up living at her place for about five minutes in the next scene, but in the changing room, which I might add contains no nudity, she meets her malcontent friend Sarah. I call her malcontent because I cannot fathom why she does anything that she does.

The next day at practice, her only one I might add, Suzy begins to feel sick and falls down, hemorrhaging for what the doctor in the next scene calls “torn ligaments” … now… if that happened from a little exercise I would think people would be quite a bit fatter. He puts her on a diet of bland foods and wine, which sounds like a good time to me, and is promptly moved into the academy to live and the other hot girl is not seen again in the movie.

Sarah turns out to be one room over from her and comes over to hang out and shoot the conspiracy shit every chance she gets, regardless if Suzy is sleeping or not. During Suzy’s first night in her new digs, maggots start raining from the ceiling, which I must admit is rather gross. It turns out some food had spoiled that was being stored in the attic in giant wooden crates. Now, I know this movie was made in 1977, but come on, buy a fridge. The girls stay in the gym that night and Sarah tells Suzy about the owner of the academy that whistles when she snores and is sleeping right behind them, oh my. The girls that are in beds nearby start an argument with Sarah and were about two seconds from a pillow fight, they had the pillows IN their hand… but… it was not meant to be. The next day the academy is fumigated and all is well once again… or maybe not.

There’s a well dressed blind man that looks strikingly like Adrian Brody that plays the piano for the academy, and his seeing eye dog that was tied up out front bit the nephew of one of the professors so he is fired in a heartbeat, he goes out drinking that night to feel better about the situation. He is at some sort of yodeling/folk dancing bar that I think fell straight out of Oktoberfest and into this movie and while being led out he walks with his dog into a giant plaza that might have been in Athens in the movie wasn’t happening in Germany. Maybe it WAS Athens and he commuted every day, who knows. The dog starts barking at nothing in particular and the camera zooms in on everything around the place in an attempt to I suppose make me look for something that might be coming for our blind friend… now… I know HE won’t see it coming and I was having a hard time seeing anything, and after five minutes of suspense, the dog jumps up and rips out his throat. I, honestly, did not see this coming, and the camera view is just above the man’s throat and the dog is seen pulling entire hunks of flesh up, yikes. Some cops were happening by at the end of the plaza and chased the dog off, but I think it was a little late for our blind piano playing friend.

Cue Sarah freaking out that she thinks she has it all figured out, and since the professors all wander off at the same time every night she decides to count their footsteps in order to know where exactly they are going. Oh, that and they’re a bunch of witches. Apparently the witch/professors were hip to her ways and decide to take care of her. Sarah is luckily sitting on Suzy’s bed as Suzy sleeps licking her face delicat—no wait, she was just sitting there talking about nothing. She sees the light go on in her room, they’re coming! She takes off down the hall and up into the now non-maggot-infested attic and ducks into a room. In this room she bolts the door and her pursuer tries to jimmy the latch open with what I think is a butter spreader, you know, a round knife with no edges. I think it could also be used to spread spackle. Anyway, she sees a tiny window which may lead to freedom and climbs up through, she sees a door across the room and thinks it may be a way out, and when she jumps down, she lands in… ready for this? A ROOM FULL OF RAZOR WIRE! I, personally, look before I leap and I think I might have noticed THIS little amenity, perhaps I would have inquired about it when I toured the academy before I went there, but alas, poor Sarah flails about wildly and just keeps hurting herself more. I think I would have laid there for a moment to try and figure out what to do, but, the pursuer opened the door and slit her throat. No more Sarah. Note to self: when fabulously wealthy, have a room full of razor wire to throw malcontents into.

Next day: Sarah is gone, maggots are gone, blind guy is gone, those two girls from the first scene are gone, no nudity, no pillow fight, and Suzy is getting worried. She calls Frank something or other and goes to meet him (he is a friend of Sarah’s) and talk about Sarah. She gets no headway besides learning the Sarah had a nervous breakdown a few years ago and that old German men that say the word “occult” like it was going out of style and happen to be experts on witches hang out with psychiatrists. We all get a little history lesson about the academy, and find out that the only way to stop a coven (I would call them a gaggle, they seem more that speed) is to kill the leader. Who’s the leader? That old biddy that whistle snores, of course. I would have killed her on that principle alone but now we’ve really got a reason! Avenge some death, kill some witches, let’s do this.

Sarah had left a note next to Suzy’s nightstand (oh, she stopped eating that poisoned food so she’s awake past 7:00, and there is an extreme close up on a toilet as Suzy tosses the food in and down it goes, and does wine really stain a porcelain sink that bad?) and Suzy reads it and is able to follow the notes to a secret room. Then, conveniently, we have a flashback to the girl running out of the academy and she mentions that you have to turn a blue iris to find the secret passage. That works out nicely as Suzy finds the blue iris, turns it, and wanders in.

Inside it’s… I have no idea how to describe it… opulent I suppose. She wanders down the hall, finds the witches hanging out at the end of the hallway so she ducks behind some curtains and Madame Blanc, the headmistress, says that she has to die pretty soon. Good thing Suzy heard that so she has a head’s up. Behind this curtain she also finds Sarah, kind of dead, kind of nailed to a plank of wood. Poor girl. Poor, nosy girl. The odd Romanian butler fellow starts wandering up and down the hall, Sarah freaks out a little, and back up and finds a door that leads to… none other but the old woman’s room that whistle snores. She freaks out, knocks over a peacock (a statue anyway, I punch real peacocks in the face to get them to go down) and the witch master whistle snorer wakes up and *poof* vanishes. The witch master then makes Sarah appear in the room with a knife coming at our poor Suzy at about a seventeenth of a mile an hour, Suzy rushes at the curtain and finds no one there to stab with the conveniently metal peacock feather. Conveniently (the most convenient movie ever) some lighting flashes or someone flicks a light on and off or something along those lines causes the outline of the witch master to appear, Suzy stabs.. and…

She’s old and wrinkled and gross! EW! Though I hope I look that good when I’m almost two hundred and leading a coven of witches. The peacock feather goes through her throat and Sarah vanishes, the building starts exploding, Sarah takes off, the professors that were in the other room were apparently connected to her (yay foreshadowing!) and they all keel over, and Suzy runs out of the building just as it bursts into flames, I would presume burning all the innocent, sleeping students alive (They went out to a play earlier but I would think that the coven of witches meets sometime after a play). Roll credits!

…

The cinematography of this movie was beautiful at times, and downright annoying the rest of the time. The actors all had unknown motivation, Sarah especially, and there was not nearly enough gruesome death, dismemberment, and nudity. The soundtrack was done exclusively by this group called Goblin and they have this prog-rocky feel that gives the movie a level of… mysteriousness and synthesizerness. I must admit though, the colors used throughout the movie gave it a dream-like quality, as though all of the sets fell out of a surrealist painting, I very much appreciated that. As for the rest of the movies, it was just weird. I’ll give it 4/5 stars just for the campy weirdness, the fact that I already know movies like this have whacked out plots, and the overtly long waits for people to die when you knew they were going to, all that, and I am a huge fan of progressive rock. See this if you get a chance, then either subject your friends to it since you already know what happens or just say “hey, I have 08929/60000 of this DVD, therefore, I am the coolest person I know!”

Optional Suspiria Drinking Game: Whenever you think someone is going to die, start drinking. You may stop either A) When the die or B) When the scene changes because you were wrong. I guarantee a stomach pumping good time will be had.

Are you ready?